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​Rules vs Agreements

If you’re looking for advice about how to explore a polyamorous relationship, you’re going to see one phrase over and over again: “Set some ground rules.”

I prefer to avoid the term “rules.” Instead, I focus on helping partners develop agreements. It might sound like a subtle difference, but there are some good reasons that I prefer talking about agreements.

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  • Rules can’t protect you from feelings. One (very understandable) temptation that newly polyamorous people face is the urge to create rules in order to prevent anything that might make them uncomfortable from happening: “Don’t date anyone I already know.” “Don’t spend the whole night with anyone else.” “Don’t prioritise anyone else over me.” There’s nothing wrong with any of these agreements in and of themselves, but they do suggest a desire to legislate away discomfort. It’s important for everyone to understand that no matter what agreements you come up with, and no matter how faithfully you and your partner(s) honour those agreements, you’re probably going to have moments when you feel jealous, envious, lonely, or hurt.

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Since emotions are unpredictable, it helps to develop the skillset to handle uncomfortable feelings with grace than to try and avoid any and all situations that may provoke them, i.e., developing techniques for self-soothing, communicating effectively about difficult emotions, and taking care of one another emotionally. 

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  • "Rules" suggests something set in stone. Flexibility is the number-one characteristic of relationships that stay strong and healthy long-term. It is important to keep up an open and ongoing conversation about their relationship agreements.  Maybe before you decided to open up your relationship, it made sense to agree to share everything with one another, but now that you’re drawing close to a new partner, you’re realising that you have to think about what implications that arrangement has for their privacy. These can be very challenging conversations, and there’s no one right answer to any of the questions they raise—which might be why it’s tempting to just come up with a rule and hope you can stick to it.  The people whose relationships thrive the most are those who have learned how to have these tough conversations, approaching each other with warmth, honesty, and a spirit of teamwork that can carry them through.

 

  • Very often, agreements get broken because they weren’t well-made in the first place. There are a few different ways that this happens: Sometimes, one partner will agree to a rule that they already know they can’t keep, just because they want to avoid conflict. Sometimes, loopholes will crop up because the partners aren’t comfortable enough to honestly discuss important aspects of the agreements they’re making.

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When people think in terms of rules rather than agreements, they’re much less likely to have a deep conversation about what they envision. They’re more likely to simply lay out the rules they expect each other to follow and leave it at that. Unfortunately, by doing that, they’re also setting themselves up problems down the road. 

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When you talk with your partner about how to make non-monogamy work for you, think about agreements rather than rules. Keep your conversation warm, curious, flexible, and ongoing.

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