Rules vs Agreements

If you’re looking for advice about how to explore a polyamorous relationship, you'll encounter this phrase over and over again: “Set some ground rules.” I prefer to avoid the term “rules” and instead focus on helping partners develop agreements. It might sound like a subtle difference, but there are some good reasons to frame such conversations as reaching agreements.

Rules Can’t Protect You from Feelings:

One understandable temptation for people new to polyamory is the urge to create rules in order to prevent anything that might make them uncomfortable from happening: “Don’t date anyone I already know.” “Don’t spend the whole night with anyone else.” “Don’t prioritise anyone else over me.” While there is nothing inherently wrong with these agreements, they suggest a desire to legislate away discomfort. It’s crucial to understand that no matter what agreements you create and no matter how faithfully you and your partner adhere to them, you’re going to experience moments of jealousy, envy, loneliness, or hurt.

Emotions Are Unpredictable

Since emotions are inherently unpredictable, it's far more helpful to develop the skills to handle uncomfortable feelings with grace than to try and avoid situations that may trigger them. This includes learning self-soothing techniques, improving communication around difficult emotions, and providing emotional support for one another.

Flexibility Over Rigidity

The term "Rules" suggests something set in stone, while flexibility is the key to relationships that stay strong and healthy. It is important to keep up an open and ongoing conversation about relationship agreements. Maybe before you decided to open up your relationship, it made sense to agree to share everything with one another, but now that you’re drawing close to a new partner, you’re realising that you have to think about what implications that arrangement has for their privacy. These can be very challenging conversations, and there’s no one right answer to any of the questions they raise—which might be why it’s tempting to just come up with a rule and hope you can stick to it.

Why Agreement Sometimes Beak Down

Agreements can break down because they weren’t well-thought-out in the first place. There are several ways that this happens: Sometimes, one partner will agree to a rule that they already know they can’t keep, just because they want to avoid conflict. Sometimes, loopholes will crop up because the partners aren’t comfortable enough to honestly discuss important aspects of the agreements they’re making. The use of alcohol or other substances may affect a person's ability to keep to an agreement.

The Risks of Rules

When people focus on rules rather than agreements, they’ often skip deep conversations about what they truly envision. They’re more likely to simply lay out the rules they expect each other to follow and leave it at that. Unfortunately, this can lead to misunderstanding and problems down the road.

​Rules vs Agreements

Rules vs Agreements