Compulsive Sexual Behaviour

There is no doubt that some people have real problems around their sexual behaviours. They may be having affairs, problematic porn use, cam-sex, seeing sex workers or anything else they might see as a problem. Clients report having the feeling of being out of control, not necessarily that they are out of control.

There is no agreed diagnosis of sex addiction as a disease or disorder. There is however a description of compulsive sexual behaviour. It’s classified as an impulse control disorder and not an addiction. In fact the clinical criteria to meet this diagnosis are very specific and it is rare for people to meet these criteria. Thus most people who struggle with their sexual behaviours do not have a psychological disorder, rather they struggle with a sexual behaviour problem.

Of course, some clients who are having serious struggles in their life regard themselves as porn or sex addicts and I fully accept that.

A good question to consider is whether sexual behaviour is a problem because it’s upsetting you or because other people in your life have a problem with it. The answers to this may well take a little unpacking. Another question to bear in mind is, what does this behaviour provide for you, what makes it so compelling, i.e. what is the function of the dysfunction?

Often, people look at online tests to see if they have a problem with sex addiction. These tests are full of hidden value judgments and assumptions. People are often quite surprised at how highly they are rated on the sex addiction scale. Consensual activities that clients might see in online quizzes as indicative of sex addiction are:

thinking about sex a lot, (what is a lot?),
having sexual fantasies,
wanting or having lots of partner sex, (again, what is a lot?),
wanting or having group sex,
frequent masturbation (who decides what is frequent?)
being polyamorous or in open relationships,
having a fetish, for example cross dressing,
being into kink/BDSM,
using porn,
paying for sex,
anything else that other people disapprove of.

There is an obvious feedback effect here, if someone finds themselves on a ‘signs of sex addiction’ list, it will stigmatise and make that person feel even more shame about what they are doing.

My approach is primarily to empower you and:

· Help identify the sexual behaviours that are wanted from those that are unwanted.

· Show ways to self-soothe and cope with negative feelings about life: stress, anxiety, feeling low, feeling bored, feeling unfulfilled.

· Explore your erotic mind, to find out who you actually are. I will not try to change your sexual nature. If you attempt to go to war with your own nature, it will not end well

· Examine and understand your sexual urges and desires, and help you stop using problematic strategies to meet perfectly healthy needs.

· Provide tools and techniques to manage impulse control.

· Help you find balance in life: connections with friends and loved ones, a sense of self and meaning.

· Look at the possible causes and underlying roots of behaviours that feel out of control.

· Help to heal relationships that have been injured as a result of sexual behaviours such as having an affair or multiple affairs. The disclosure of compulsive behaviours will often be devastating to a partner

· Seek to reintegrate a vibrant and fulfilling sexuality with self and others.

And so, to recap, there is plenty that can be done to help with problematic sexual behaviours through therapeutic approaches that support clients in the acceptance and integration of their sexual preferences.