Managing Compelling Urges

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You may experience sexual thoughts, feelings, attraction or arousal without this necessarily being a problem.

The focus here is on those times when you experience a strong or compelling urge to act in a particular way, for example, to search, browse, message, masturbate or seek sexual stimulation outside your actual or understood relational agreements.

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An urge can feel very powerful, but an urge is not an instruction. You don’t have to act on it immediately.​

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There are different things you can try when an urge takes hold. You don’t need to use all of them. The aim is to find the approaches that work best for you.

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Sometimes a compelling urge appears alongside another feeling.

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You might be:

• bored or lonely

• stressed or anxious

• frustrated

• tired

• rejected and looking for reassurance or validation

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Ask yourself:

What was happening just before the urge appeared?

How am I feeling right now?

What am I hoping the behaviour will give me?

You don’t have to find the perfect answer.

The purpose is simply to become more aware of what may be happening underneath the urge.

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Things You Can Try

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Urge Surfing

Instead of trying to get rid of the urge, notice it and observe what happens to it.

Pay attention to the sensations in your body and notice how the intensity changes over time.

You might remind yourself:

This is an urge. I don’t have to act on it. I can allow it to be here and see what happens.

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Delay the Behaviour

If you feel you need to act immediately, try waiting 10 minutes before making a decision.

During that time, you could do something else, practise grounding or simply observe the urge.

As this becomes easier, you could gradually extend the delay to 20 or 30 minutes.

The aim is to practise creating space between the urge and the behaviour.

Identify What You’re Feeling​

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Ask yourself:

What was happening just before the urge appeared?

How am I feeling right now?

You may notice feelings such as boredom, loneliness, stress, anxiety, frustration, sadness or a need for reassurance.

You don’t have to solve the feeling. Simply recognising it can help you understand what may be driving the urge.

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Grounding and Mindfulness

Bring your attention back to what is happening right now.

Notice your feet on the floor, your breathing, the chair supporting you, and what you can see and hear around you.

 

Ask yourself:

What can I see?
What can I hear?
What can I feel?

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You are not trying to stop the thought or feeling. You are reminding yourself that there is more happening than the urge.

Paradoxically, one way to stop our thoughts from getting out of control is by practising mindful observation. Mindfulness is popular and there are many apps that are helpful to guide you, such as Headspace or Calm. I do caution that the point of taking up mindfulness is for emotional regulation not to become a mindfulness master. 

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Change Your Physical Context

Sometimes changing where you are can help interrupt a familiar pattern.

You could:

• put your phone somewhere else

• leave the room

• go outside

• take a walk

• move somewhere where other people are present

• start a different activity

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You don’t need to avoid every possible trigger. You are simply giving yourself some space to make a choice.

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Do Something That Engages You

If you are bored, restless or have too much unstructured time, choose something that gives you a sense of interest, purpose or enjoyment.

For example:

• exercise

• cooking

• music

• a hobby or something creative

• a personal project, such as learning something new

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The aim isn’t simply to keep yourself busy. It is to build other rewarding experiences into your life.

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Soothing Object

It can be helpful to identify an object that you can easily carry around with you at all times so that you can touch it in moments of strong urges. It might be a pendant, a ring, a stress ball in your pocket, or the image of something or someone on your phone that you associate with calm, joy, or well-being. By making contact with that object the emotional energy hopefully changes and the urge can reduce and disappear.

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Contact Someone

If you notice that you are becoming isolated, consider contacting someone you trust.

You could simply say:

I’m having a difficult evening. Do you have time for a chat?

Or:

I’m feeling a bit isolated. Would you like to go for a walk?

Having someone you can turn towards can provide an alternative to dealing with difficult feelings entirely on your own.

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Build Other Sources of Stimulation, Connection and Validation

 

Ask yourself:

What else could give me what I’m looking for?

If the behaviour provides excitement, look for other sources of stimulation.

If it provides connection, think about how you could connect with other people.

If it provides validation or reassurance, consider other ways of developing confidence and self-worth.

If it provides escape from stress or difficult emotions, think about other ways of looking after yourself.

Over time, the aim is to develop more ways of meeting your needs, rather than relying on one particular behaviour.

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Find What Works for You

Different approaches may work at different times.

You might find that delaying works when the urge is moderate, while changing your physical context works better when the urge is particularly strong. You might find that contacting someone is most helpful when you’re lonely, while doing something engaging works when you’re bored.

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Experiment and notice what helps.

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The aim isn't to eliminate the urge 

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The aim is to have more choice about what you do when the urge appears.