When ‘Porn Addiction’ Doesn’t Explain What’s Really Going On
People often come to therapy having already decided what their problem is.
They might tell me they are addicted to porn, that they have a sex addiction, or that they have compulsive sexual behaviour. These terms can be useful. They give a name to something that feels difficult to control and can make it easier to look for help.
But a label can describe what someone is doing without necessarily explaining why they are doing it.
That matters because two people can present with almost exactly the same problem while having very different things going on underneath.
One person may be watching porn because they are lonely. Another may use sexual behaviour when they are anxious, stressed or bored. There may be relationship difficulties, problems with intimacy, or a need to feel wanted. Sometimes the behaviour really does seem to have taken on a life of its own. Someone may repeatedly do things they don't want to do, despite the consequences, and feel unable to regain control.
So I'm not suggesting that compulsive sexual behaviour isn't a significant problem. What I'm questioning is whether the label, by itself, gets us very far.
What is the behaviour doing for you?
When someone tells me they can't stop watching porn, one of the things I'm interested in is what is happening around the behaviour. What are they feeling? What is going on in their life? What does the behaviour seem to provide?
Sometimes it offers relief or distraction. Sometimes excitement or stimulation. It might provide a temporary sense of connection or reassurance. And sometimes people simply enjoy pornography. There may also be shame or disappointment afterwards, particularly when someone has been trying to stop. That can become part of the cycle.
None of this tells us exactly why a particular person is using porn. But it can be a useful starting point for understanding what the behaviour has come to mean for them.
Sometimes the problem is bigger than sex
There are times when what someone brings to therapy isn't really just about sex or porn. They may have a reasonably comfortable life and yet feel that something is missing. They may feel stuck, disconnected or dissatisfied without being able to explain exactly why.
Perhaps they have lost a sense of direction or purpose. Perhaps life has simply become rather flat. They may have a job, a relationship and many of the things they once thought would make them happy, and yet still wonder whether this is really the life they want. Sexual behaviour can sometimes become a way of dealing with that discomfort.
This is where I think it can be useful to ask a slightly different question. Not just “What am I trying to stop?” But “What am I looking for?” The answer might be pleasure or excitement. It might be relief, connection or reassurance. Or it might be something that is harder to put into words.
The same behaviour doesn't necessarily mean the same problem
This is why I'm cautious about assuming that the same label means the same thing for everyone. One person may be struggling primarily with anxiety. Another may be dealing with relationship difficulties. Someone else may have become disconnected from the things that give their life meaning and direction. For another person, there may genuinely be a persistent difficulty controlling their sexual behaviour.
The behaviour itself may also be different. One person may be struggling with pornography, another with masturbation, while someone else may repeatedly seek sexual contact or encounters that they later regret. In therapy, the important thing is to understand what is happening for the individual.
What happens if we only try to stop?
If someone has been using pornography to manage something difficult in their life, stopping the behaviour doesn't necessarily resolve whatever was there in the first place.
The behaviour may disappear, but the loneliness, dissatisfaction, relationship difficulty or sense of being stuck may remain.
This is one reason why simply trying harder to resist an urge doesn't always produce the change someone is hoping for.
It may be more useful to understand what the urge is connected to and what is happening in the person's life around it.
Do you feel connected to other people? Do you have things you genuinely enjoy or care about? Do you feel that your life has direction? And what would you like to be different?
These questions can seem a long way removed from pornography. Sometimes they aren't.
A label can be a starting point
If someone says, “I think I'm addicted to porn,” that tells me something important. It tells me how they understand what is happening to them.
But I don't necessarily want to stop there. I'd rather become curious about the person behind the label. What does the sexual behaviour give them? What does it take away? What might they be missing? And what might be possible if they no longer needed the behaviour in quite the same way?
Sometimes the most useful question isn't: How do I stop this?” It is: “What is happening in my life that makes this behaviour so compelling?”