When the Problem isn’t Just Porn
When pornography becomes a source of conflict in a relationship, it is easy to decide that porn is the problem. Sometimes it is. But there may also be other problems in the relationship that have become tangled up with it. Two things can be true at once. Your partner can be genuinely hurt by your porn use, and you can genuinely feel sexually frustrated or unhappy with your relationship. She may feel rejected, while you feel rejected too.
She says you have lost interest in her
This is not necessarily a porn problem. Sexual desire changes over the course of a long-term relationship, and there are many reasons why someone may become less interested in sex. Stress, tiredness, work, children, health and difficulties within the relationship can all play a part.
If your partner feels rejected, that matters. But you may have your own reasons for being less interested in sex, and those deserve to be understood too. Perhaps there are unresolved problems between you that have affected your desire.
Porn may be contributing to the situation, while the relationship itself may also be contributing to your use of porn. It does not always have to be one or the other.
She says you compare her with women in porn
If you compare your partner with porn performers or make her feel inadequate because she does not look or behave like them, the problem is not simply pornography: it is a hostility issue.
Porn is not a realistic standard for someone's body or sexuality. Having fantasies and sexual preferences is one thing; making your partner feel that she does not measure up is another.
At the same time, having sexual interests does not automatically mean that you are dissatisfied with your partner. You can find your partner attractive and still have fantasies. You can enjoy pornography without wanting your partner to become like the women you watch.
Both things can be true, but how you communicate them matters.
You promise to stop but carry on
This is where the issue can become one of trust. If you do not want to stop watching porn, it is better to be honest about that than to make a promise simply to end an argument. Your partner may not like what you have to say, but at least she knows where she stands.
If you genuinely want to stop but repeatedly find yourself returning to it, that is something you need to take seriously as well. There is a difference between struggling to keep an agreement and simply deciding that you do not agree with it.
Sometimes a man genuinely wants to stop watching pornography but finds that he repeatedly returns to it despite the consequences. The behaviour may have become difficult for him to control and it needs to be understood rather than reduced to a question of willpower or honesty.
A man might decide that he does not want to give up pornography and that he is prepared to accept that his partner may be unhappy about that. That does not necessarily make him uncaring or dishonest. It does, however, mean that the two of them may have a genuine disagreement about what is acceptable within their relationship.
What matters is how he handles that disagreement. He can be honest about his position and allow his partner to decide what she is willing to accept, or he can agree to something he has no intention of doing and continue in secret.
The first may lead to a difficult conversation. The second is likely to damage trust.
Talk about what is actually happening
It is easy for couples to spend all their time arguing about porn and never talk about the relationship underneath it.
Do you both feel wanted? Are you affectionate with each other? Can you talk about sex without becoming defensive? Are there resentments that have never been dealt with? Do you both feel able to express what you need?
You may discover that pornography is contributing to the problem, but you may also discover that the relationship has problems that would still be there if porn disappeared tomorrow. That is an important distinction. Getting rid of porn might remove one source of conflict without fixing the loneliness, resentment or lack of intimacy underneath it. Equally, improving the relationship may not automatically resolve a man's problematic use of pornography. Sometimes both things need attention.
The aim is not to decide which person is the problem. It is to understand what each of you is experiencing and what part each of you can take responsibility for. Pornography may be part of the problem, and there may also be problems in the relationship that have nothing to do with porn.
A more useful question is not simply whether you should watch porn. It is whether the two of you can be honest with each other about sex, intimacy, expectations and the way you treat one another.