What if Your Kink/Fetish Doesn't Need Fixing?

I often think there’s a bigger question underneath it:

“Is there something wrong with me because I have this desire?”

In my experience, this question usually comes from one of three places:

1.        Not understanding the kink or where it comes from.

2.        Feeling ashamed or judged for having it.

3.        Feeling overwhelmed by its intensity and worrying it is out of control.

In all three cases, the problem may not actually be the kink itself, but the anxiety and meaning we attach to it.

Understanding reduces fear

When we don’t understand a desire, it’s easy to become frightened by it. Talking openly about a kink can help make sense of it, and what once felt strange or threatening can become simply another part of someone’s erotic world.

Sometimes the goal isn’t to make the desire disappear. It’s to make it less frightening.

Shame can make desire feel like a problem

Many of us grow up with narrow ideas about what sexuality should look like. Desires outside those expectations have historically been labelled deviant, unhealthy or wrong.

So someone with a kink may experience not only the desire itself, but also the judgement they’ve learned to place on it:

Is this normal? Should I want this? What does this say about me?

This is where therapy can help. The aim isn’t necessarily to eliminate the desire, but to separate the desire from the shame attached to it.

Once that happens, you can decide for yourself what place, if any, you want it to have in your life and relationships.

Intensity isn’t the same as losing control

A strong kink can sometimes feel all-consuming, particularly when we’ve tried to suppress or deny it. Ironically, resisting a thought or desire can make it feel even more persistent.

We can also fall into the belief that “I want this intensely, therefore I need it, therefore I’m not in control.”

But sexuality is more flexible than that.

Learning to understand a desire rather than constantly fighting it can change our relationship with it. The goal isn’t always to eliminate the urge, but to reduce the feeling that it has power over you.

Desire can change

Even if a kink isn’t something we can simply switch off, its intensity and importance can change over time.

Our sexual desires aren’t necessarily static. Relationships, experiences, stress, circumstances and attention can all influence what feels important to us.

Something that feels all-consuming today may become much quieter over time. Desire can ebb and flow without needing to be forcibly removed.

So, what if it doesn’t need fixing?

When someone asks, “Can I unlearn my kink or( fetish)?”, I’m often more interested in asking:

“Why do you feel you need to?”

Is the desire genuinely conflicting with your values or relationships? Or have you simply learned that you’re not supposed to want it?

Those are very different questions.

A kink doesn’t automatically need to be cured because it falls outside someone’s idea of what sexuality should look like. Sometimes the healthier approach is to become curious rather than afraid, and understanding rather than judgemental.

Instead of asking:

“How do I get rid of this?”

perhaps we can ask:

“What can I learn about myself from this?”

Our erotic lives can be surprisingly rich, varied and creative. A kink may not be a problem to solve, but another doorway into understanding who we are, how we connect, and the many different ways human beings experience sexuality.

Perhaps it isn’t something that needs fixing. Perhaps it simply needs understanding.