The Language of Relationships
Relationships don't always fit neatly into the language we've inherited. The language we use to describe relationships is constantly evolving, giving us new ways to talk about how we connect, what we expect from one another, and the different forms relationships can take.
Words like compersion describe experiences that can be difficult to put into words without them. Having language for something doesn't necessarily tell us how we should feel about it, but it can give us another way of understanding our experience.
Compersion: Refers to the happiness someone finds in their partner seeking out and enjoying sexual and romantic intimacy with other people. A sort of vicarious happiness in the joy of another.
Couple-Centricity: It is a social or cultural tendency to treat being in a romantic couple as the normal, expected, or preferred way of living, often positioning coupled relationships as more legitimate or important than being single or other forms of relationship. Couple centricity refers more broadly to the privileging of couples in social life.
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): An umbrella term for relationship structures that include agreements which permit outside sexual and/or romantic connections. This includes polyamory as well as other forms of non-monogamy, for example swinging, but it doesn’t include infidelity/cheating, which is non-monogamous, but not consensual. Ethical Non-Monogamy is often used interchangeably with the term Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM).
Queer: bell hooks describes queer not simply as a matter of who one has sex with, though that can be a part of it, but as a way of being in the world. To be queer, she suggests, is to exist as a self that stands at odds with everything around it, a self that must invent, create, and carve out spaces to speak, to thrive, and to live. Many of us, at some point, find ourselves living lives that do not quite fit the expectations imposed upon us. In those moments, we are called to imagine new ways of loving, connecting, and belonging.
Monogamish: This term refers to being in a committed couple relationship with some agreement that, under certain circumstances, sex or specific types of intimacy with others is permissible.
Monogamy: Refers to a couple relationship with an expectation that there will be no outside sexual or romantic relationships. This can be either by explicit or implicit agreement. By “implicit,” I mean that one or both partners are making an assumption that their relationship is monogamous, rather than having a discussion specifically about it. In such a case, partners can have different ideas of what is and is not allowable, or what “fidelity” means. This can lead to problems. For example, is watching porn a betrayal, is it ok to masturbate? What about flirting (or having a coffee) with someone? What about fantasizing about other people? Many relationships suffer from disagreements about what counts as crossing a line, that was never drawn. It is important for partners in intimate relationship to have conversations about what monogamy means to them.
Mono-poly: This is where one partner has, seeks, or remains open to sexual and romantic connections with others, while their partner remains monogamous.
Nesting Partners: This refers to cohabitating partners. This term describes the increased level of day-to-day interconnectedness that comes with sharing a home and related responsibilities.
New Relationship Energy (NRE): The glowing, exciting feeling of being enraptured by a new partner, with a novelty that makes them seem both more interesting and less flawed (falling in love).
Open relationship: a broad term generally referring to a relationship in which partners have agreed that sexual and/or romantic connections outside the relationship are permitted. The exact meaning varies considerably between partners.
Polyamory: A form of consensual non-monogamy in which partners engage openly in more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship. There are many forms and styles, but polyamory implies love and romance are involved, and that the arrangement is consensual for all participants. Polyamory espouses many values; communication, honesty, trust, and negotiation, which are an essential aspect of, but not unique to, polyamory.
Primary/Secondary: This refers to an agreement that one partnership, the primary one, will take precedence over all others, which are considered secondary. There is a huge amount of variation in how this actually looks. This form of open relationship is extremely common.
Relationship Anarchy (RA): This ever-evolving approach means removing assumed hierarchies, rules and expectations and reimagining your relationships with partners, lovers, friends and family to suit what you want through love, respect and communication. This provides an intentional way to co-create your connections, allowing you to choose what works for you and what doesn’t. Do you want to live in a world where it is safe to ask for what you want? Safe to say "Yes" or "No" to someone else’s desire? And be able to hear someone else’s no—and yes? Being able to sense into your own desires, and having the safety to speak up for those desires is crucial for creating the world we want to live in. Likewise, being able to sense into your limits, and speak up for those limits -- what you are willing or not willing to engage in moment to moment -- is also crucial
The Relationship Escalator: This is one of many social scripts for how we are supposed to behave. In this case a series of expectations for the shape and pace of relationships. A progressive series of steps towards a clear goal, i.e., to casually spend time together, to date, to become exclusive, to get engaged, then married, move into a house together, have children, and live happily ever after. Of course, some of the steps can happen in a different order, for example moving in together before an engagement.
Relationship Orientation: The way someone tends to experience and understand intimacy and relationships, including the kinds of relationship structures that feel most natural or congruent for them. For some people, monogamy may feel like an important part of how they experience love and commitment; others may feel more drawn to consensual non-monogamy or find that conventional relationship expectations don't fit them particularly well. Relationship orientation isn't necessarily fixed and can change over time.
Swinging: A form of sexual exploration or play, usually involving other partners. The assumption is generally that the sexual connections will be for the enrichment of the partners, and that romance won’t be part of the picture. Swingers find one another at special events, clubs or through apps.