Starting the Conversation

Starting the Conversation About Polyamory

If you’re interested in opening your relationship, raising the topic with your partner can be intimidating. You don’t want to overwhelm them, but you also want to be honest about what’s on your mind.

Give this Some Thought

When you bring up this topic, your partner will probably have a lot of questions. It will help if you’ve spent time beforehand figuring out exactly what about this idea interests you.

Consider asking yourself the following questions:

What do I particularly love about the relationship I’m in now?

What do I hope to gain from an open relationship?

What excites me and what feels scary about this idea?

It can be helpful to do some research before opening up your relationship to familiarise yourself with different models of non-monogamy, common challenges, strategies for structuring agreements, necessary skills, etc.

There’s no rush here, and the clearer you can get within yourself, the easier it will be to share that with your partner. The goal is for you to examine the idea thoroughly, so that when you talk to your partner, you’re prepared to honestly discuss both the pros and the cons.

Initiate the Conversation and Listen Deeply

Consider when you and your partner will both be at your best. Make sure to release any time pressure. You just want to bring up an idea and learn more about what they think.

Avoid going into “persuasion mode.” It will help a lot if you can honestly and openly discuss fears, downsides, and potential pitfalls of this idea. It will also help if you can identify things you really want in any relationship. The goal isn’t to win your partner over, but rather to have a collaborative conversation in which you learn more about your partner and about yourself.

Try asking open-ended questions like:

What are you thinking and feeling about this?

What part of this idea feels intriguing and what part feels scary?

Don’t interrupt or try to counter objections. Get interested in what your partner is telling you. Practice active listening. Ask follow-up questions. Make sure your partner knows that you are genuinely interested in what they think. If fears related to past difficulties come up, take responsibility for your part in those.

Share your own fears and concerns. If you don’t have any, you are probably deluding yourself. Go deeper. Relationship challenges always go better when partners are able to treat each other as teammates, rather than adversaries.

Your partner might not be interested at all in exploring non-monogamy. That said, people are capable of a lot more when they feel loved, cared for, and secure than when they feel disregarded and pressured. Successful polyamory is built on good manners, safety, and security, plain and simple.

Be Direct

Unless you are able to communicate openly and honestly about some challenging topics, it’s likely that you’ll end up with predictable problems involving either loopholes in your agreements, resentment when difficulties arise, or dishonesty when something comes up that you’d rather not tell your partner. All of these situations will sabotage your relationship like nothing else.

Clearly state what you're interested in, rather than wrapping it up in euphemisms. "I would love to have a conversation with you about opening up our relationship" is pretty direct

If you’ve been conflict-avoidant in the past, this will be a great practice for you. Show your partner that they can count on you to be honest with them. By the same token, show your partner that they can be honest with you. Make an effort not to get reactive when you hear something difficult. If you feel you need to, take a break from the conversation so you can come back as your best self. Tell your partner, “I just need a moment to settle down, and then we can return to this conversation.”

Think of this as an Experiment

If you and your partner do decide to try opening up the relationship, I suggest you think of your first explorations with non-monogamy as an experiment.

You might want to write yourself a letter listing all the things you appreciate about your partner so that you can look at it when things become difficult. After all, they created the opportunity you are now enjoying. It is because of them that you are having this beautiful new experience while continuing your long-time connection.

Many people can navigate relationship challenges with strong support and effective strategies. Getting good help can make a world of difference. If you’re feeling like you need support to navigate this project, a polyamory-friendly coach or therapist can be helpful.