List of polyamory terms

Polyamory - List of Terms

This list is far from exhaustive. The language around polyamory is ever-evolving and local communities may use terms differently. It has been argued that we are, to an extent, influenced through the language and ideas we have available. Words help create worlds. Words like compersion have been invented that perfectly describe feelings for which there had been no words.

Comet relationship: This is a romantic and/or sexual connection that passes through one’s life in an intermittent way. Just like a comet passes by Earth only occasionally, when people have a comet relationship, their lives are not enmeshed, they don't see one another often and yet meet ups can be life affirming and enriching.

Compersion: Refers to the happiness someone finds in their partner seeking out and enjoying sexual and romantic intimacy with other people. A sort of vicarious happiness in the joy of another.

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): An umbrella term for relationship structures that

include agreements which permit outside sexual and/or romantic connections. This includes polyamory as well as other forms of non-monogamy, like swinging, but it doesn’t include infidelity/cheating, which is non-monogamous, but not consensual. Ethical Non-Monogamy is often used interchangeably with the term Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM).

Monogamish: This term refers to being in a committed couple relationship with some agreement that, under certain circumstances, sex or specific types of intimacy with others is permissible. For instance, some might agree to one-night-stands, or sex when out of town traveling, or just for kinky play, or flirtation/romance only, but no sex.

Monogamy: Refers to a couple relationship with an expectation that there will be no

outside sexual or romantic relationships. This can be either by explicit or implicit agreement. By “implicit,” I mean that one or both partners are making an assumption that their relationship is monogamous, rather than having a discussion specifically about it. In such a case, partners can have different ideas of what is and is not allowable, or what “fidelity” means.

This can lead to problems. For example, is watching porn a betrayal, is it ok to masturbate? What about flirting (or having a coffee) with someone? What about fantasizing about other people? Many relationships suffer from disagreements about what counts as crossing a line, that was never drawn.

It can be helpful for partners in any intimate relationship to have explicit conversations about what monogamy means to each of them.

Mono-poly: This is where one partner has, seeks, or remains open to sexual and romantic connections with others, while their partner remains monogamous.

Nesting Partners: This refers to cohabitating partners. This term describes the increased level of day-to-day interconnectedness that comes with sharing a home and related responsibilities.

New Relationship Energy (NRE): The glowing, exciting feeling of being enraptured by a new partner, with a novelty that makes them seem both more interesting and less flawed (falling in love or a state of limerence).

Non-hierarchical polyamory: This is a style of polyamory for which there is an expectation of no power difference between partners, in contrast to a primary/secondary structure in which one partnership is primary and any others are secondary. There is a huge amount of variation in how this may actually look.

Polyamory (aka poly or polyam): A form of consensual non-monogamy in which partners engage openly in more than one romantic and (often) sexual relationship. There are many forms and styles, but polyamory implies love and romance are involved, and that the arrangement is consensual for all participants. Polyamory espouses many values; communication, honesty, trust, and negotiation, which are an essential aspect of, but not unique to, polyamory.

Primary/Secondary: This refers to an agreement that one partnership, the primary one, will take precedence over all others, which are considered secondary. There is a huge amount of variation in how this actually looks. This form of polyamory is extremely common.

Relationship Anarchy (RA): This ever-evolving approach means removing assumed hierarchies, rules and expectations and reimagining your relationships with partners, lovers, friends and family to suit what you want through love, respect and communication. This provides an intentional way to co-create your connections, allowing you to choose what works for you and what doesn’t.

The Relationship Escalator: This is one of many social scripts for how we are supposed to behave. In this case a series of expectations for the shape and pace of relationships. A progressive series of steps towards a clear goal, i.e., to casually spend time together, to date, to become exclusive, to get engaged, then married, move into a house together, have children, and live happily ever after. Of course, some of the steps can happen in a different order, for example moving in together before an engagement or at what point partners have sex.

Swinging: A form of couple sexual exploration or play, usually involving other couples. The assumption is generally that the sexual connections will be for the enrichment of the couple, and that romance won’t be part of the picture. Swingers find one another at special events, clubs or through apps. Couples may connect with other couples and then continue their relationships outside of the swinger events, or they may not.