Keith Fowler
Psychosexual and Relationship Therapy
Polyamory - List of Terms
Note: This list is far from exhaustive. The language around polyamory is ever-evolving and local communities may use terms differently. It has been argued that we are, to an extent, influenced through the language and ideas we have available. Words create worlds. Words like compersion have been invented that perfectly describe feelings that there were no words for before.
Comet relationship: This is a romantic and/or sexual connection that passes through one’s life in an intermittent way. Just like a comet passes by Earth only occasionally, when people have a comet relationship, their lives are not enmeshed, they don't see one another often and yet meet ups can be life affirming and deeply enriching.
Compersion: Refers to a form of joy in the joy of others. It more specifically relates to the happiness someone finds in their partner seeking out and enjoying sexual and romantic intimacy with other people. A sort of vicarious happiness.
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): An umbrella term for relationship structures that
include agreements which permit outside sexual and/or romantic connections. This include polyamory as well as other forms of non-monogamy, like swinging, but it doesn’t include infidelity/cheating, which is non-monogamous, but not consensually. (ENM might also be known as Consensual Non-Monogamy -CNM)
Monogamish: This term refers to being in a committed couple relationship with some agreement that, under certain circumstances, sex or specific types of intimacy with others is permissible. For instance, some might agree to one-night-stands, or sex
when out of town traveling, or just for kinky play, or flirtation/romance only but no sex, and so forth.
Monogamy: Refers to a couple relationship with an expectation that there will be no
outside sexual or romantic relationships. This can be either by explicit or implicit agreement. By “implicit,” I mean that one or both partners are making an assumption that their relationship is monogamous, rather than having a discussion specifically about it. In such a case, partners can have different ideas of what is and is not allowable, or what “fidelity” means. This can lead to problems. For example, is watching porn a betrayal, is it ok to masturbate? What about flirting (or having a meal/coffee) with someone else? What about fantasizing about other people? Many relationships suffer from disagreements about what counts as crossing the line. It can be helpful for partners in any intimate relationship to have explicit conversations about what monogamy means to each of them.
Mono-poly: This is where one partner has, seeks, or remains open to sexual and romantic connections with others, while their partner remains monogamous.
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Myths of Romance Culture: These are just a few. There is just one soul mate, who will just appear in my life and then I will not want or fantasise about anyone else. The other will know what I like, if they really loved me. Sex is natural and we should not have to talk about it. Sex should be wonderful because we love each other. Love is about getting what I want and jealousy shows I care. Sex and love should go together. There is a happily ever after, if I am I am lucky enough to find the right person.
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Nesting Partners: Refers to cohabitating partners. This term describes the increased level of day-to-day interconnectedness that comes with sharing a home and related responsibilities.
New Relationship Energy (NRE): The glowing, exciting feeling of being enraptured by a new partner, with a novelty that makes them seem both more interesting and less flawed (falling in love or a state of limerence).
Non-hierarchical polyamory: This is a style of polyamory for which there is no
expectation of a power differential between partners, in contrast to a primary/secondary structure in which one partnership is primary and any others are secondary. There is a huge amount of variation in how this may actually look.
Non-monogamy: Most often used as an umbrella term referring to all forms of non-monogamy. Sometimes used interchangeably with open relationship.
Polyamory (aka poly or polyam): A form of consensual non-monogamy in which partners engage openly in more than one romantic and (often) sexual relationship. There are many forms and styles, but polyamory implies love and romance will be involved, and that the arrangement is consensual for all participants. Polyamory espouses many values; communication, honesty, trust and negotiation, which are an essential aspect of, but not unique to, polyamory.
Primary/Secondary: This refers to an agreement that one partnership, the primary one, will take precedence over all others, which are considered secondary. There is a huge amount of variation in how this actually looks. This form of polyamory is extremely common.
Relationship Anarchy (RA): This ever-evolving approach means removing assumed hierarchies, rules and expectations and customising your relationships with partners, lovers, friends and family to suit what you want through love, respect and communication. This can be a very intentional way of co-creating your connections, allowing you to choose what works for you and what doesn’t.
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The Relationship Escalator: Is one of many social scripts for how we are supposed to behave. In this case a series of expectations for the shape and pace of relationships. A progressive series of steps towards a clear goal, i.e., to casually spend time together, to date, to become exclusive, to get engaged, then married, move into a house together, have children, and live happily ever after. Of course, some of the steps can have in a different order, moving in together before an engagement or at what point partners get to have sex.
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Swinging: A form of couple sexual exploration or play, usually involving other couples. The assumption is generally that the sexual connections will be for the enrichment of the couple, and that romance won’t be part of the picture. Swingers find one another at special events or clubs. Couples may connect with other couple and continue their relationships outside of the swinger events, or they may not.